Do you really trust me?

I haven’t written for a while. Much has happened, life has happened with all its highs and lows. I just wanted to share with you what has been stirring within me and somewhat fascinating me lately. It probably captures where I am at in my personal and professional life. 

It is the painting above by Eugene Burnand in 1898 titled “The Disciples Peter and John Running to the Sepulchre on the Morning of the Resurrection”, or also known as “The Disciples or Les Disciples.” It hangs tucked away in an old railway station in Paris, now the Musée d’Orsay, on the left bank of the Seine.

The story comes mainly from the Gospel of John (20:1-10), where Peter (right) and John (left) are both running to the tomb after they hear from Mary Magdalen that the stone had been removed. John outran Peter and reached the tomb first but “did not go in”, while Peter without any brakes “went straight in”.

I am drawn to the colours, the expressions on their faces and the hand gestures. Mary’s words must have been ringing in their ears. Could he be R – – – n? Do they dare to say it, let alone believe it? John’s hands are clasped anxiously together. Notice his face. What is he feeling? What would have been his self-talk?

And Peter, is that guilt and shame in his eyes? What is he saying to himself: Am I going to get a second chance? Oh how desperate he must have been. And his hands placed firmly on his heart. He is feeling it in the heart, how fast must it have been beating? 

They both lean forward, walking briskly, readying themselves to break into a run. Such an active and alive painting filled with much anticipation.

As I reflect on it, I too am filled with all these emotions. Surprise, belief, disbelief, excitement and fear at the same time. An old spiritual director, when I was making a major life decision, said once to me “Fear and excitement can co-exist together”. 

But here there’s also trust and mistrust, and much grief which you can see in their eyes. Maybe they thought he’ll be back physically, wanting to believe it was all a nightmare which Mary has just woke them up from. This is what I do when I am at a crossroad, I too want to raise him from the dead physically to give me an answer.  

Much is awaiting them and awaiting each and everyone of us. They are invited together and not alone, to go out and begin anew, not to let the trauma of the crucifixion and their own response to it freeze them up, but to trust once more in the generosity and love of the Lord who is ever-close.

The Lord is inviting them to a never ending second chance.
I hear him saying: Do you really trust me?
All I can dare to reply: Yes Lord, but help my distrust! 

Then he says to me and to you: Don’t be afraid to go out!