Free and un-free!

Glory to you oh free one for in your freedom you set us free!

Oh how unfree am I in so many many areas. So many places. So many spaces. So many relationships. So many conversations. So many situations. Where do I begin?

Ah how can I list them? Will there be enough space? Who can contain them, Lord, other than you?

And the paradox is that as I become freer I discover and unravel so many layers of unfreedom. Oh so many! As I think I have stood up as the paralysed man did and walked back to my home, I realise I am only crawling and discover more inner paralysis, more and more unfreedom, more and more slavery. Ah! How, what, where, for how long?

What shall I do? How do I not become discouraged when I realise that when I knock on my own home once-more after being so absent, I open and discover that it is no longer my old home? But still, I am consoled and I relish, only to discover that when I settle at home in this new found freedom, I begin to grumble and murmur. I become complacent and bring about new forms of slavery that paralyse me and so become a slave seeking healing again, seeking new ways to “stand up and walk” and be set free once-more?

Oh how I often I want quick solutions? Quick journeys? How I seek drive-thru freedoms at a cheap price? Oh Lord, as I recall how many times I have travelled on this journey, I am amazed of how mysterious I am. Or perhaps how mysterious you are.

You have taught me that real growth, real love, real freedom is not some airy fairy ideal but filled with layers of love and fear, slavery and freedom. Oh the mystery of sin, grace and freedom!

You have accompanied me and stayed with me. You stay with me and in me like you do now. Listened deeply to me. Accepted me even when I can’t accept myself even when I am unfree.

I cry out to you Lord and acclaim: “Glory to you oh free one for in your freedom you set us free!”

1 May 2018 – Fruit of the Spiritual Exercises of St Ignatius – Second Week.