A conversation with my God: A modern day Psalm (Part one)

Me: Tell me why I feel distant from you? Why I keep delaying my daily meeting with you? Why I am afraid of you?
God: You tell me. What’s wrong?
Me: I am too scared. My parents have told me so much about you. I hear you can lose it. You can be jealous, angry and want to punish. You are unpredictable. You can kill the body and the soul. You can send all you don’t like to hell.

God: All of this?
Me: And more. I hear you get defensive. You have a whole heap of soldiers that fight for you to defend you. I hear too that you have killed and slaughtered the innocent. I can quote scriptures, your word, if you wish?
God: I hear you.

Me: I am so angry tbh (To be honest), sad, down and insecure.
God: All of that.
Me: And more. Yes, more.

God: My Son.
Me: Please don’t call me Son. I am not. I am a slave. I have slaved for you all these years. I helped out at church and been a good guy. You love me to work and run and be obedient following your rules.
God: Me?
Me: Yes, you. You, yes.

God: I hear you.
Me: Do you? I have suffered enormously. The world is in a mess. Are you happy? You love people to suffer! Isn’t there a famous story about watching your son suffer?

God: Do I? You’re in pain.
Me: Yes, I am. So hurt and wounded.
God: I know. I hear you. I feel you.

Me: I asked you, I begged you to interfere to save her. To alleviate the pain, to interfere but no! You wanted to watch as it is best to test us so we can grow.
God: I hear your pain. I feel it.
Me: No you don’t. I don’t believe you.

God: You miss her.
Me: I do, so much. I am so angry.

God: I love her too. I love you.
Me: Do you? Don’t you want us to suffer to be holy?

Father: I see that you are suffering.
Me: Yes. We all are. But you still want us to suffer more and keep the rules and be perfect.

Father: I want you to be happy, to have inner joy and peace. I do not want you to suffer.
Me: That’s not what they told me about you. You want to tempt and test me. As if life is not difficult enough. You love death that you watched your son crucified. You want us to suffer.

Father: I do? I love you. My Son is me. I gave me to the world. I came and gave new life to the world.
Me: Do you? What about your ongoing rules and threats of hell to those who don’t follow.

Father: I want you to be you. Are you, you?
Me: Me? lol!
Father: Yes you. If you are truly you then you will be happy. Those so called rules are there to help you be you. When you are you, what you deeply desire and what I want are ONE.

Me: The rules are oppressive and are preached in a way that people use them to throw stones at each other.
Father: I hear you.

Me: I am tired of trying to please those who say that’s how to please you. And then to please you to keep you calm. Or to please you I have to be fake.
Father:  I hear you. I want you to be you.
Me: In my weakness, in my goodness. Just like that. You gotta be kidding. Can the real God come out. Just be yourself. Your angry self?

Father: I hear you!
Me: Wow. You haven’t lost it yet? You haven’t gotten angry or sent me to hell. I am still alive. You haven’t punished me yet or sent down plagues, or taken revenge on me. That’s what my parents told me about you at least. Maybe I am experiencing the calm before the storm.

Father: I hear you.
Me: Stop saying, I hear you! Where is your anger? Hate? Revenge?

Father: Your parents know me well, I see.
Me: They say so. So do my grandparents. And many people.

Father: You parents see their image in me? They maybe looking in the mirror? Or the image of an autocrat in me?
Me: Are they describing themselves when they describe you?
Father: You tell me.

Me: Ok. You got one up. What about some priests and Church people and even non-religious. Many say the same thing about you. And the non-religious hate you for that.
Father: You tell me. Are they seeing me in their image? Or of the reflections of the unresolved authority figures in me?

Me: What about the bible. You words. Literal words? Aren’t they? I can quote you if you don’t remember.
Father: It’s okay there is no need. Let me ask you the same question you asked. Are the people describing themselves when they describe me?
Me: I guess, in a way. Maybe!

Father: You in pain.
Me: Yes, I am.

Father: What do you want me to do for you?
Me: Part of me wants nothing to do with you. A part is angry at you. And another part wants intimacy with you.

Father: What does Nehme desire?
Me: I want to be the real me! And want to know You. I want you. The real you.  Where do I find you?

Father:  You have me. You have all of me. The real me, in Jesus.
Me: Jesus?
Father: Jesus. Yes! Jesus will lead you to find the real you. Once you find the real you, you will find the real me!

Me: I have heard of him, read his story so many times. I have encountered him. You asked me what I desire. I desire his freedom! To know you as he knows you! To be the real me!