(A reflection from a fictional anonymous disciple in Jesus’ time based on Luke 24:36-49)
“Why are you frightened, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? Lk 24:38
How can I not be so frightened? How can I not have those doubts arise in my heart?
Few days ago you were arrested. We watched perplexed, fearful and shocked from a distance and heard:
- That you were arrested, spat on, beaten and mocked, yet when you were with us your courage was fiercer than a million Roman Soldiers in a million battles and greater than that of King David in the battle against Goliath or those mighty feats of Alexander the Great;
- That you were ridiculed, testified falsely against and sentenced unjustly, yet when you were with us, your silence spoke greater truth and wiser words that Socrates, Plato and Aristotle;
- That you felt the pain of carrying the Cross, yet when you were with us, you carried the weight and hope of the Universe and its burdens on your shoulders;
- That the sound of nails as they went into your hands and feet, a sound that echoed through the valleys, yet when you were with us, the sound of your voice calmed the winds and storms of nature and those of our hearts.
Those few hours on the cross felt like years. Every second was agonising. Your last breath was like the Cosmos was breathing its last and yet as you gave up your Spirit, we received ours.
I ran away and hid. How can I be so courageous like John? I disappeared into my comfort zone. All hope seemed lost. I mean I know where they laid you and even the stone they rolled at the tomb was secure enough.
All the talk of freedom and the coming of the kingdom seemed so far away now. You said that “you are the way and the life” and now there seems to be no way and no life.
O please don’t ask me “why do doubts arise in your hearts?” How can they not as now we hear these stories about an empty tomb and the only empty part is our hopes, dreams and hearts. The Marys surely must be confused and suffering from grief. Cleopas and his friend can’t be right. Mary Magdalen too. Peter also and all the disciples at the Sea of Tiberias. Can they all be wrong, or?
But now you come to us all. No one is missing. Surely it is a ghost, but you prove us wrong and eat in front of us. You wish us peace and show us your hands and feet, flesh and blood.
O Lord!!! How? What? When? Why? What about the pain and violence? What about death? What about the present suffering? It is still here. The Romans that are occupying us are still here. You are risen but they are still here.
What shall I do? You want me to be a witness. Who me? How can I? What do I do or say? I am scared to testify to your hope. I am too weak. I am a person that looks for armies and weapons to fight the occupation. When I hear bad news and wars I run and hide like I left you. I am scared that I will do it again. I feel powerless in the face of evil.
I know I should trust your voice and wait for your Spirit! I know I should have faith in the words “It is I myself!” I know you want me to be transformed and to see the world through the eyes of the beatitudes. You formed me and spent time with me. You told me about the merciful father and the lost son, sheep and coin. You healed and touched me. You have given me joy, confidence, love and trust. And now you have risen!!!???!!!
Help me Lord! Stay with me Lord! Let me begin again once more. I will wait for your Spirit! Come Lord. Strengthen my faith in you. Maranatha! Come Lord! Heal my doubts. Let me believe again. Teach me in my heart that you are in the midst of despair and suffering, that you are resurrection and the life. Maranatha!!!
Burning Hearts 